Ethereal Pages

Scotty Harrison
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note: You don't get to read the lyrics in this story as I'm not a lyrics mind. Also I'm saving my best band names for my real bands.

Chapter One
My name is Scott Harrison and I am an emo musician. I go to Silver Heights high school in Winnipeg. I love real emo, I hate MTV-mo... For the most part. Everyone but Weezer. I also love At The Drive-In, Cursive, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mineral, The Promise Ring, Cap'n Jazz and the like.

I wear hipster glasses and dye my blonde hair black, I always wear band shirts and tight jeans.

I've been called a snob, I've been called intense, I've been called a perfectionist.

I only write in a minor key. I sing good... I don't scream a lot but I do get emotional and my voice will crack a little.

Chapter Two
In grade 12 my sweet heart kills herself, and this is where my story begins. She was the world to me, some say a little too much. I put my whole soul into this relationship and all it gets me is emptiness. Everything I put into it is gone and all that I have left is this big empty hole.

Her name was Nicole.

Sometimes I cut myself. Today I cut myself. Pain fills the empty hole for a little while. When you're hurting physically it distracts you from hurting mentally. It's nice to feel something other than despair.

I look at my piano but I can't play it. The next day I tell my friend Dan I can't play and he tells me you have to play in times like this. I go to his house to jam but I just can't do it, I knock the piano over. I yell "You don't even know!"

After my outburst Dan tells me he has something that could mellow me out. He gives me a handful of oxys.

Chapter Three
Once I come back to school my friends tell me let's go strangle ourselves on the towels in the bathroom. I did it and it just isn't what it used to be now that I've had oxys.

We vape some pot before class.

In class I just blank everything the teacher is saying. Dan tries to pass me a note but I just let it fall to the ground and do nothing.

My formerly decent grades plummet.

Chapter Four
Back at home I asphyxiate myself while I masturbate, thinking of my sweet heart and crying.

At least I can cry now. I was worried this incident had made me dead to the world. I can feel things.

After I'm done I write a piano song about her. Honestly it's the best thing I've ever written. I always knew I was good but now I know I'm good enough to make it.

Chapter Five
Today is the high school talent show. I'm in the audience watching people embarrass themselves. How could you lower yourself to this? None of these people are artists they're just artistic tourists. They're here to have fun not here to create anything of worth.

I'm better than all of these people but you'll never see me up there. It's beneath me.

Then fucking Dan and the band go up there. They do a Weezer cover. I'm disappointed in him for lowering himself to this, maybe he's not as serious as me.

I go to the bathroom and take some oxys then go back to class and stare.

Chapter Six
And then we have the grad dance. I just turned 18 so I get to drink. So I just sit there and drink. My friends get up to dance so I sit alone at the table and drink. A girl, Sam, comes up to me and asks to dance. I say no. She's a nice girl but no.

I'm gonna travel the world for a year or two before university. Get my head straight. I'll have to clean myself up, can't have to score opiates every place I visit.

I want to travel alone.

Chapter Seven
Naturally I start in Amsterdam. I'm in a coffee shop smoking up and I meet a girl. She's from Minneapolis.

Her name is Jannet. She likes indie folk and French movies from the 50s and 60s.

We fuck.

We decide to travel together, but we know we'll separate when it's over and go to our respective homes. No pressure.

Chapter Eight
And then we're off to Sweden. I've always loved the artists of Scandinavia, they're dark like me. Everyone here is a little dark, a little intense, a little humourless, just like me.

I get chummy with a Swede at a show. I invite him back to our hotel to chill in the hot tub. We talk about black metal and it's ties to white supremacy. He seems not quite angry enough that his beloved black metal is tied to white supremacy but he's still a good guy. We do the diving into the snow and back into the hot tub thing. Jannet calls me Scotty and I no like but I don't say anything.

Chapter Nine
Then to Prague. We go to the symphony. Classical music is something I often pretend to like as a music nerd I'm supposed to, but honestly it just isn't passionate enough. I mean there's passion but there's no screaming or crying.

I say to myself one day I'll be a Mozart and Winnipeg will be known for me. People will play my songs in Winnipeg for centuries after I'm dead.

Chapter Ten
We go to Dubai next, looking very beautiful from the plane. I hear this is all one guy's pet project, I can't imagine how wealthy he must be to build all this. I mean how can he afford it all?

We get approached by a man at the airport. He asks if we want to make a little cash as migrant workers. We say sure we always need money. We get in a car and we're on the way to some place. He asks if he can see our passports. We give them to him and he puts them in his pocket. Then another car rear ends us.

We're fine but an ambulance comes anyway, just to make sure we're fine. The paramedic says "I think these belong to you" and gave us back our passports. Jannet says "You know I think this was a bad omen. Maybe we shouldn't be migrant workers." "Maybe you're right, yeah."

We decide to get out of there and on to the next country.

Chapter Eleven
Next we go to Goa, India.

There's an electronic music festival going on. I don't care for it usually, but this band Shpongle is something I've never heard. We get some shrooms from some guy and trip balls. I feel a feeling making fun of myself for trying to stay serious when every part of my body just wants to get loose and party.

Jannet says "It's good to see you loosen up a little, Scotty." "I guess... And stop calling me Scotty."

Chapter Twelve
Then on to Tokyo. It's even prettier than Dubai. The lights, the activity, this whole city is alive. We check out the arcades and the clubs. We find somebody selling X and we buy some. It's the perfect drug for all these pretty lights and activity.

Tokyo on ecstasy is one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. And I felt even closer to Jannet after the experience. It's going to be hard to let her go when this is all over, but I'm sure we'll see eachother again. I won't say she's my soul mate, last time I did that I got burned and I'll never do it again, but she's something.

Chapter Thirteen
And now we're in Thailand. I've always wanted to study at a Buddhist temple. Unfortunately they don't allow women so this is where I say goodbye to Jannet.

They don't take me very seriously but they try. They do teach me a thing or two about appreciating silence and the zen of rain on the roof. After a whole lot of meditating, which I previously never bothered to do, I kind of feel a low key psychedelic thing going on. Not the hallucinations but the fact that everything feels more significant and that there may be a higher power guiding me and everything else.

He tells me you're never going to see infinity. You're just not that type of person. But hopefully we've made you a little more mindful.

Chapter Fourteen
Then I end the trip in Peru, where I see an ayahuasca shaman. He says the spirits tell him, and then they proceed to tell me, that the road I'm on will be a difficult one, but that my biggest obstacle is myself and my own sense of who I am. I will get a lot of attention but ultimately I will destroy myself. This path only ends in destruction and it's because I see myself as perfect. I take myself too seriously.

I see an image of myself doubting myself then popping a pill. I see that I fail and then I pop a pill. I see that somebody offends me and then I pop a pill.

I am my own biggest admirer and my own worst enemy.

Chapter Fifteen
I'm back in Winnipeg and I started going to the U of M. I have no idea what I want here, I don't want the kind of career you need an education for... But people go to university so I'm going to university. I hear there's a lot of good parties.

I meet a guy in my sociology class, Brad. We're both only going to university for the parties and we both want to do creative things that we don't need an education for. He wants to be a writer.

Chapter Sixteen
Me and Brad do shrooms together. Brad's all like "Isn't it amazing we have a future famous author and a future famous musician who managed to find eachother and party together?" I say "I'm starting to notice a pattern with the universe, all of this was meant to be, we have our fate." He invites me to a party tomorrow.

At the party I meet a guy who plays guitar, Chris, he's all into indie rock. We become quick friends and by the end of the night start talking about forming a band. He says he knows a drummer, Dan.

Chapter Seventeen
And we have a band. We call it "Sarcastic Remark." We put out an ad for a base player.

Brad gets me into amphetamines, he takes them to stay up all night writing, I take them to stay up all night writing songs. I wrote a pretty song about death. I hope to one day take enough drugs to see it.

Chapter Eighteen
Half way into my third year I drop out of university. I got all I needed out of it and it's time to focus on other things. I always wanted to be a drop out over a graduate, that's what cool musicians are supposed to do.

I need to put everything I have into becoming famous or I'll just be a lousy drop out druggie.

Chapter Nineteen
Brad gets published and I can't help but be crazy jealous. I mean he's not even that great, he writes about nothing, all his stories have to say is a big nothing.

Dan drops out of the band to pursue owning a record store. I must say I'm a little jealous of that too, it's a cool job. But let's face it... Selling music is for people who failed to make music. He'll be sorry he blew his chance. He was never contributing to the writing process anyway we can easily find a drummer who will do things that matter.

Chapter Twenty
Our bassist, Braxton, comes in one day with heroin. Him and Chris start taking it. I say "I really shouldn't do opiates, I go too far." While I feel sorry for them, I feel sorry that they need it, I remember what it was like to need it.

I go to Dan's record store and it's tanking. I tell him "Well I can see why you left the band for all this." Dan asks if he can be back in the band now. I say "No fuck you."

Chapter Twenty One
Then one day Jannet surprises me with a visit, she came up from Minneapolis. We smoke weed together, I tell her about my band. I tell her about Dan. She says she wants to check out his store, so we go check out his store. She buys the new Iron & Wine and the new M. Ward. Dan says "You seeing Scott?" "I'm seeing Scotty, yes." "Must be hell." I say "I hope you enjoy being a basic bitch."

We get back to my apartment and she says "I never really noticed how much of an ass you are, but honestly it's all making sense." "I guess I can be an ass, but what's making sense?" "You're so into yourself, you always were. I see that little glint in your eye like you're better than everybody you meet and just talking to an ordinary person is lowering yourself. I didn't pay it much mind when we travelled but I'm actually kind of glad we didn't stay together."

I say "Well... You're pretty high on yourself too." "I am. And right now I'm high on my ability to see right through you. I'm sure you're the type of person who will go on to great things but you're also the kind of person who thinks they deserve it." "I do deserve it." "Maybe you do. But you could afford to be more humble." "I'd only be faking it." "Fine, so be it."

I say "You wanna fuck one last time?" "...Okay."

Chapter Twenty Two
She kinda got to me. I'm finding myself wanting to turn to heroin. So I talk to Braxton. While I'm high I think about Nicole a lot. She never called me a jerk.

We're supposed to play a gig but I tell Chris "It's just a stupid punk show, it's beneath us." "You just don't want to get sober enough to play, you've never turned down a gig before." I get mad. Chris says "There may be scouters in the audience." "Find I'll play."

And I play a horrible show all fucked up on heroin.

Chapter Twenty Three
Still we get the attention of a scout who wants to sign us to an indie label but I have to get clean first. He can see we have potential but just played a bad show 'cause drugs.

I get clean right away, one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I had fame in my sights and I would do anything to make it.

I go to Dan's store and rub his face in it that we've been signed. He says "Well actually my business has been getting better lately, I probably won't have to close." "Well good for you, you will be a successful basic bitch."

I talk to Brad saying "I've made it now too, just wanted you to know."

I waited so long and now it's all happening so fast.

Chapter Twenty Four
I get out of my shitty old apartment and buy a nice condo.

I hear Brad is Amazon's number 3 book. Fuck this. That talentless fucking hack makes it to the big leagues and I'm still here only going to be cult famous.

I tell my band mates that cult famous isn't good enough. Chris disagrees and says "Cult famous is all I can hope for, mainstream success is for sell outs." "Some of them sell out for sure, but some of them are just so good they can make it and still be artists. Kurt Cobain was an artist with artful taste who made it to the mainstream." "Yeah and fame made him kill himself. If we ever get mainstream success I'm leaving the band." "I used to think that the cult is better than mainstream but now I know I need the world to hear me."

Chapter Twenty Five
We get to open for Weezer in Winnipeg. We kill it.

Afterwards we're partying with Weezer, drinking drinks and smoking weed. Their agent says "We need to get Sarcastic Remark on a major label." Chris raises his hand. I say "Yes Chris." "I told you the moment we do that is the moment I leave the band." The agent says "Is this going to be a problem?" I say "No, I am the band." Chris says "Fuck off I contribute." "Well go off and do your own thing and be nobodies. You think history is going to remember some generic indie band?"

Chapter Twenty Six
The agent brings in a new guitarist, Greg. He has mainstream sensibilities and doesn't really jive with me.

I get depressed about being used by big record companies to sell, it really hits home when we get the new guitarist. I get back into heroin.

We start writing new songs, me and Greg and it's all with mainstream sensibilities. Greg kinda takes control of the sound but I'm not really all there enough to complain. I contribute, my voice gets through, through the fog of pop.

We record an album, I don't really have much to say besides the few moments I'm singing.

The executive is all "This is going to be the new Nirvana."

Chapter Twenty Seven
The day before the record hits the shelf and our first single is on the radio I overdose on heroin at the age of 27.

Thinking about Nicole. Thinking about that song I wrote. I knew one day I'd go on the same journey as Nicole.

Your pop culture can suck my dead cock.