The Dark Embrace of Phenethylamine
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Note: Yes that one line was influenced by Solaris but I did it different.
Note: I didn't invent the Eore thing. Some lady at bowling called me Eore because of my natural scowl and I loved it so here it is. Oh but lady while I enjoyed the comparison to Eore somewhere around hour three of "YOU'RE EORE YOU'RE EORE YOU LOOK SAD YOU LOOK SAD YOU'RE EORE" it was starting to get a little stale.
Note: I know I had already stated "The views expressed in these stories are not necessarily the views of it's author" but I still feel I need to clear this up. I do not actually believe chemicals have a soul this is just a fun little fantasy. I do believe in the DMT Elves and Lady Salvia but I believe what is happening there is a little different, it isn't the chemicals have a soul. When you get my full writings you will see what I believe. This one goes to all sorts of fantastical magical thinking shamanistic drug culture places and a whole lot of made up magical thinking places and I believe none of it. All I believe you see on a psychedelic is God within yourself, what I believe to be happening with Lady Salvia and the DMT Elves requires a whole lot of build up within the secret essays, however I can tell you what we label them: "Personality projections."
Chapter One
My name is Darren. I got introduced to drugs in university and I was opened up to a world I never knew. I needed everyone in my life to be open to this world. I would preach the word to everyone.
I get the feeling that the chemicals are alive. There's a consciousness called tryptamine and there's a consciousness called phenethylamine. I had no idea I would suddenly become interested in chemistry but now I'm switching majors from philosophy.
Chemicals are alive, all of them, and they have a soul, a soul that is closer to god than a person can ever be. They can give you a taste of what it's like, they can give you a taste of the divine powers that sustain us all but are invisible to most.
Chapter Two
I met her in intro to philosophy. Her name is Stephanie. She was a good girl, I'm not usually attracted to good girls, but I figured maybe if I show her this world I can turn her into a bad girl. There's nothing hotter than good girl turned bad girl. There are no good girls in the drug scene. Positive girls sure, but not good girls.
I'll admit it, I'm very emo. I'm used to dating emo chicks and hipster chicks, but I think she has potential. She already dyes her hair pink and wears a head band with cat ears, it's a short road from that to hipster. She doesn't wear a lot of makeup and I kinda like that. I mean I like girls with a lot of makeup too but only certain girls can pull off the little makeup look.
She's a gentle flirt. Doesn't get dirty or anything, she's just cute.
We both live in the U of Manitoba dorms. I'm from Brandon and she's from Winkler.
Chapter Three
I convince her to try pot. "You're in university now, it's time to experiment. The world has just started to unfold for you and you need drugs to put you in the right direction." "I have noticed myself changing... As a teenager all my friends were starting to rebel, you see when you're rebelling from Mennonites you rebel hard. They got into Satanism and drug abuse and I just couldn't follow them. I was a good girl and I loved Jesus... Now I see, while I still love Jesus, it seems I've been lied to and if they were wrong maybe my rebelling friends were on to something, but still... I can't rebel that hard." "Just hit the fucking joint." "...Okay."
She says "I hope you're not planning to have sex with me and ditch me, because I really can't handle that, I'm only interested if you want something real." "I won't ditch you." "But you are expecting sex." "Well sure." "I don't want to have sex until I'm sure of you." "...Okay, I can wait." We'll see about that. After I get her on molly.
She says "Meow!" and then jumps at me and hugs me.
Chapter Four
Next day I'm talking to my old high school buddy from Brandon who also lives in the dorm. His name is Chris.
"I'm totally going to turn her into a slut. That's my project." "Ah, young love." "I'm not in love yet. I just want to bang a good girl for once." "You're not the type for love. You don't want to appreciate somebody you want a mirror." "I've loved!" "You've never fucking loved, I've been watching you since we were kids, you just want sex and affirmation." "Oh and you're the true caring soul?" "No, fuck that, but at least I'm honest. I have no desire for love, love is toxic, love is attachment, attachment leads to suffering. Love gets in the way of achieving anything important." "Right so what have you got going on that's so important?" "...I'unnow, but I'm not going to find it at the bottom of a pussy."
Chapter Five
The next day she's in my room. She tells me "I'm afraid of drugs. I'm afraid of this world that's opening up to me. The world is a scary place and I'm used to living in my bubble." "You'll find the world isn't as scary as you thought." "Oh please, I'm scared of everything, I always have been. I'm scared of the city... Every time I see a man walking on the same side of the street at night I think I'm going to get raped. I know it's awful to be racist but when I see somebody of a different skin colour I get nervous." "Well that's just because of growing up in Winkler. You'll get used to it." "I can't... It's scary." "You must. You came to the city because it was exciting, it wasn't Winkler, right?" "I guess..."
"But I am definitely afraid of drugs. I mean I can handle a little pot but you want me to do things that are a little too out there for me. I'm afraid I'll freak out and I'll never be the same." "Just try shrooms with me this weekend, you'll see. I have a feeling you'll lose this fear, you'll grow into who you really are without all this christian bullshit polluting your brain."
"...Okay, I'll try."
Chapter Six
I did 5 grams and she did 3. One of the effects of a large dose of shrooms is hearing a voice talk to you. People say it's the spirit of the shrooms speaking to you but I think it's tryptamine consciousness talking to you. Same same.
I see a white aura all around her. The voice tells me "You shouldn't have brought her here. This is not her world. We like them a little darker, a little less naive."
Suddenly she starts to cry. I ask "What is it?" She says "I think I've uncovered a repressed memory." "Oh. Yeah. That can happen." "I think... I think my brother raped me. My uncles too." "Oh my god I'm so sorry." "I can't believe it!" "Don't go to the bad place, stay with me, it's only memory." She puts her head on my shoulder and cries.
She says "I want to save you from your darkness." I say "I want you to save me from my darkness." But it's a lie. My darkness is my whole image I can't just lose it. "Mrowww..."
Chapter Seven
She says "It's a dark secret about Mennonite culture. It happens a lot. I hear stories but I just think there's no way my family could be like that. It's only other people's families." "I'm sorry." "Do you really care? I feel like you're just saying what you're supposed to say." "No, no, I care. Look, you're coming into who you are in the real world, you're leaving behind the lies of your old world and you're going to find something real. Part of that is dealing with the memories of your past world and healthily re-compartmentalizing them." "You mean forget them?" "No, I mean deal with them, push them aside, live your life." "I can't... I can't just put them aside. Don't you understand? My family is not who I want it to be, not who I thought it was." "Well don't dwell on it. The new you doesn't need to care about the old you."
"I can't..."
Chapter Eight
Talking with Chris again. I tell him what happens and he says "Well, the good news is you're one step closer to turning her into a slut. The road of being raped as a child is the road to slutsville." "I know but I feel kind of bad for that now..." "You feel? You sure? I think you just know that you're supposed to feel." "Fucking shut up I feel." "Do you love this girl more now that she confided in you?" "I do." "Hah! No. You just know you're supposed to."
"I'm taking advantage of her trust... I want to love her. I want to love. I think there's something wrong with me." "You're a narcissist and a sociopath." "And you're a psychology major." "True 'dat. I respect your capacity for not loving, you're a little more far gone than me but I too just want a fuck. I don't love either but for totally different reasons." "Fuck you." "Maybe there's something wrong with the both of us..."
He says "Look, just get her on molly and she'll fuck."
Chapter Nine
Me, Chris and Steph are getting read to roll. Chris totally blindsides me and says "We need to talk about our feelings before we roll together so we can really get the full experience of appreciating another human, which I'm not sure Darren can even do but if he ever does it it's on molly." She says "Oh he cares. He hides it but he cares."
Chris says "Darren has this wise idea he's going to turn you into a slut." "...What!?" I say "For fuck's sake!" Chris says "No no this is healthy." Steph says "Well as long as we're admitting how awful we are to eachother I've been making fun of how sad you are to all my friends. We call you Eeyore." I say "I can handle that."
Chris says "Okay I think we're good. Now we can minimize that icky energy and just feel eachother's warmth. Nobody hides anything nobody makes those stupid little faces you pick up on better when you're on drugs."
Chapter Ten
Steph says "You know I've always been a raver at heart I've just never been to one. They don't really have them where I'm from. At least not any that I know about. The only partying we did is bush fire parties." "I kind of figured you'd feel at home. With your sexy pink hair and adorable cat ears. You were built for raving." "Aww thank you for feeling my vibes." "And we haven't even dropped yet!" "We haven't but I can already feel the energy here."
"Okay I'm ready. Let's drop. Start me off small I'm a little nervous." Chris says "One hit for you, three hits for me, three hits for Darren."
Chapter Eleven
In a few minutes the rush hits us. As I go up I notice her face gets very serious. I say "You okay?" "I don't... I feel..." She gets real pale and throws up all over the floor. I say "Oh shit! Gross..." Then we both realize there's a lot of blood in it. She gasps. She wobbles. She passes out.
I don't really hear the voices on ecstacy but I felt phenethylamine make a gesture.
It's not her world. I shouldn't have brought her here. She was a lost, innocent little girl in over her head in a world she's not ready for. The chemicals warned me and I didn't listen.
She was allergic to MDMA. It happens.
Chapter Twelve
We pick her up and bring her to the car. Chris says "See what your love gets people?" "Oh shut the fuck up this has nothing to do with that." "If it weren't for you she would be fine." "Fuck you, okay! Fuck you! Right now there's a girl dying in the back seat and this is the time you pick to lecture me on the merits of my love?!" "...Sorry." "We need to help her." "This doesn't feel real right now. It feels like a dream." "Well it fucking isn't."
We get to the emergency room where we dump her in front of the doors. I've seen the scene in movies many times but I didn't think it actually happens.
Chapter Thirteen
She died.
Apparently they neglect to tell you in the movies that there's cameras there that can read your plates. The cops come to my dorm room and arrest me for criminal negligence causing death. On the way out we pass Chris and he has a "please don't tell them I was with you" face. And I didn't.
The trial was open and shut. Her father sits there staring at me the whole time. He didn't break his gaze once. Her mother and brother both looked down and sobbed.
Chapter Fourteen
Her family comes to visit me in prison. I pick up the phone but her father does not. He just sits there and stares at me. Stares right through me.
Eventually he slowly picks up the phone. He says "We always thought our little girl would never go the way of Satan like her friends and classmates did. She was a good girl. What happened?" "...I happened." "I know. That's what I wanted to hear you say." "Well I said it, okay?! It's all my fault. I brought her into a world she wasn't ready for." "Oh and you're ready? You're a seasoned traveller of this world?" "I... Guess?" "You're a lost little boy just like her. You're in over your head. Eventually Satan will come for you." "I think it appears he already has. I'm in prison, you know." "No, you have worse things coming to you."
"...You know her brother raped her. Her uncles too." "That never happened!" "Lies! You're full of lies! Your life is a lie! Your family is a lie! Your whole god damned religion is a lie! You're drowning in lies! I only wanted to free her from the lies..." "Burn in hell." And he hangs up the phone. He stares for a little longer and I get up to leave. I hear him punching the glass as I leave.