It's Gotta be Something, Forever
< Back
Note: I stole the story of the lady on a bicycle while on shrooms from a friend of mine back around '06 or '07. Also the "you see it" and "it sees you" comes from the same friend. Travis, I've spoke of him elsewhere.
Note: I know I already said "The views expressed in these stories are not necessarily the views of it's author" but I just feel I need to point out that this isn't exactly the best representation of my conception of God and my tearing apart of Christianity. These are my characters these are not me. But they are very close to me. But they were raised Christian, I was not. I was raised atheist. My mother was a Mennonite who later in life rejected it and went atheist and my father was spiritually and religiously curious as a young man and turned... Self identified atheist but his views are a little complicated I would deem him agnostic. But he would disagree.
Chapter One
I always thought when I got married it would be to an obedient Christian wife, but now that I'm older I think I want somebody who's not like my mother. I'm still a Christian but I don't need to be as pious as I once was, and neither does my ideal mate.
I will still live my life to serve god but not in the same way I used to. My parents are very invested in my dreams to become a pastor, and maybe I can still give it to them but I'll be, like, you know, a cool pastor.
Chapter Two
She sat in front of me in Western History class. She had bright red dyed hair, tight colourful pants and sexy high heels. I probably spent the whole class staring at the back of her head. I think she noticed but it's hard to say. This looks like a woman who's not like my mother.
Can I do it? I've never done it before, but then I've never been so infatuated before.
As we were leaving she dropped a notebook. I picked it up and said "excuse me?" and handed her the notebook. And she says "Oh! Thank you." "Listen, I'm, uh... I'm not very good at this, but would you like to grab a coffee some time?" "...I suppose, sure, you're kinda cute." "Great!" "Here's my number..." "I'll call you!"
Chapter Three
Sitting at the Tim Horton's in the U of Manitoba cafeteria, our first date...
I ask "So what religion are you?" "Well, I was raised Christian but then I went on a spiritual journey and changed my beliefs. Also my best friend coming out kind of made me question the rules I'd been taught." "I'm still Christian myself, but I'm open to something else. I always believe in God but lately I can't help but think I've been lied to. I mean I still love a lot of the stories in the Bible, but I don't necessarily consider them the true word of God anymore."
"But... Spiritual journey, huh? Sounds interesting, I'd like to go on a spiritual journey." "Well then I'll take you on one."
Chapter Four
Having dinner with my parents...
"I met a girl." "Is she Mennonite?" "She's... Spiritual." "So she's not even evangelical?" "...No. I mean she used to be." "Hm. I don't like the sound of that." "She's great, though." "Maybe she was great. But now she's sent here by the devil." "I don't think so! She was sent here by God." "I worry about you, you've been slipping... Are you still on the path to becoming a pastor?" "I mean, yes... Yes I think so." "Well then don't spend too much time with this harlot." "...She's not..."
And then we ate in silence for awhile.
Chapter Five
I go to her apartment. Her friend Matthew is there...
She says "Yeah I'm kind of estranged from my Christian family now, since I rejected Jesus. I mean Jesus is great but he's not my lord and saviour." Her friend Matthew says "I'm estranged from mine too, even worse than Persephone. Persephone's parents still have hope, mine think I'm Satan incarnate." I say "I'm on the road to this as well. At the moment it's just a little disagreement but I have a feeling if I keep seeing Persephone it's only going to get worse. And I'm not going to stop seeing Persephone." "Aw. You're rearranging your whole life for me." "I guess." "Hm..."
Matthew says "After our spiritual journey, we have discovered a new God. Our new God is the same God, I suppose, but we refer to our God as 'The Universe.' "Yeah I think that makes a lot of sense." "Hail Satan just kidding."
Chapter Six
Persephone tells me "If you want to be where I am, it's a psychedelic journey." "...Okay." "We start with magic mushrooms, eat two grams now and if you're feeling good eat another two." "Drugs? So in just being happy for no reason you found God?" "Something like that but you know not of what you speak." "...Okay... I guess I'm open."
Chapter Seven
We get off the bus at Assinaboine Park, things are starting to kick in. I feel a certain glow but no hallucinations yet. "When am I going to start hallucinating?" "Probably some time after the next two grams."
I take the next two and get a little anxious. "I'm starting to feel some anxiety." "Don't worry, it's the best day of your life. You're meeting the universe for the first time and you're doing it with a beautiful woman. The universe wants you to be happy, the universe is love."
It looks so beautiful. I was expecting faces to change colour and stuff but I wasn't expecting everything to be so beautiful. Everything glows, everything is alive.
I really feel like... I'm part of a pattern. I already kinda knew it but I didn't know it like this.
Chapter Eight
The peak is over and we go back to Persephone's apartment...
"I don't want to go home tonight, I want to stay here with you." "Aww." "Partially because I still feel the effects and can't face my parents, but mostly because I think you're so wonderful."
She says "I like to smoke some marijuana on the come down." "That I've done before, but not much, I have a feeling I'm going to start doing it a lot more."
"I feel so calm and serene." "Tomorrow we'll glow, once we're not glowing anymore we'll try molly."
"Look, I know it looks like this is leading to sex but I'm just not ready yet." "Okay. You'll be ready when we try molly. I understand you're a Christian boy, I've been there."
Chapter Nine
I come home in the morning...
Mother says "Where have you been?" "I was out with Persephone." "Oh my God, did you... Did you..." "No" but under my breath "Yet." "I don't want you spending any more time with this harlot." "Don't speak of her that way!" "Harlot! Whore! You are not to stay out all night with her again." "I'm a grown man, mother, there's nothing you can do." "We could throw you out." "Well maybe that would be for the best." "No! That would turn you directly into the arms of the devil. But if you make us do it we'll do it. You're... You're not a lost cause yet."
Father says "God is good. God only wants heaven for you and you know this. You know this. And yet you turn your back on him... With this... HARLOT... And he will have no choice..."
"...But to send me to hell. For questioning the things I have been dictated about him... Even a little... I get hell."
"Yes."
"A force of pure good..."
The look on my father's face. A little emotional crack and spark for just a second that is immediately covered up by what appeared only to be a murderous rage. Staring into the very depths of my soul. He says "I know you will come back to the light. You must."
"I'm going to my room."
Chapter Ten
Sitting in my theology class...
Today we learn about the Gnostics and their ergot wine. Clearly God is shining on me, giving me this information only two days after my first psychedelic experience. It was meant to be.
Once we changed subjects I lost interest and went on my laptop and learned all about Albert Hofmann and ergot and LSD.
Made me realize I can still serve God in a psychedelic way, like the gnostics did back in the day.
Chapter Eleven
Hanging out at Persephone's apartment...
If we're going to make you psychedelic we're gonna have to get you into the music.
We smoke a bowl of marijuana and listen to her playlist... Spacemen 3, Bardo Pond, Loop, Acid Mothers Temple. Staring at the lava lamp while the psychedelic vibes washed over me.
"I didn't know music was allowed to do this." "A lot of that is the weed talking." "The Bardo Pond lady really sounds like she's on all sorts of drugs." "Oh I'm sure she is."
Chapter Twelve
The next weekend we did molly.
"While tripping requires you be around a select few, rolling requires you be around everybody. So we're going to a rave with Matthew.
We get to the place and just before we go in we swallow some molly. She and Matthew took two pills, I only took one. "You're gonna get some more good music here too. I'm not big on electronic music every other time but when you're on molly it's orgasmic."
While rolling I learn we're ALL part of a pattern, we are all one. Every one of us is an important part of the same pattern and it's such a beautiful pattern. I knew that before too but I didn't know it like this. "I love you, I love you all. But Persephone, I love you the most." "Had we not been on molly I would have said too soon, but since we are, it was beautiful, thank you, I love you too."
She says "You dance like a spaz by the way."
Chapter Thirteen
We go back to her apartment and redose.
We start kissing and I say "this is the furthest I've gone with a girl." "I didn't think you'd even made it this far." "Last time, the only time, I made it this far, she started crying and saying we're sinning and she needs to go home. We never saw eachother again after that." "You weren't worried you were sinning?" "I was a little, but I really liked her and I figured God would be fine with it if we got married." "You wanted to marry her?" "I guess. I had my doubts but my family loved her and her family loved me and we could be evangelicals together. It was all I was really looking for." "And now what are you looking for?" "You."
"Good line. So I guess you've never seen a girl naked?" "Not in this manner, no." "Let's get naked." "I love you."
And we had sex, and it was more than I had ever expected. "You fuck like you dance, by the way. It's okay you'll learn."
Chapter Fourteen
The next day I didn't glow as much as on the shrooms, was just kind of sad and bored with regular reality now. I always knew the hangover was bad, I had heard, but honestly it didn't affect me too badly, I just felt kind of low. "Yeah it can be hard going back to reality. With psychedelics the next day you're just happy to have experienced it. With MDMA you just want to go back there.
"I should probably be going. Last night was the best night of my life, thank you."
I get home, feeling dead to the world. My mother yells something at me, I didn't really hear it, I wasn't paying attention. My father yells something like "listen to your mother" but I ignored it. I go to my room and lie down on my bed face in pillow. My brother comes over and says "What's going on with the two of you?" "Go away." "You know this is killing our parents." "Go away." "You're killing our parents." "Go away."
Chapter Fifteen
I met Persephone and Matthew at the cafeteria in the U of Manitoba. She let me cut in line with her at Tim Horton's. I always hate doing that but I just wanted to be around her as much as possible.
After we got our coffee the three of us sit at one of the tables. Matthew says "I heard about the other night you big stud." "That's me, sex machine." "Does your family know what happened?" "No, and they won't know until the day we're married." Persephone says "We're getting married?" "...Oops. No. I mean. I mean. Hypothetically." "Yeah yeah I know how it works with families like ours."
She says "Speaking of which I'm never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to prove my love. I hope you're okay with that." "Actually, yeah. Yeah. I think that could work."
Chapter Sixteen
Today on this fine Saturday we're going to do LSD.
"This one is kinda a step up." "I've been doing my research." "Oh, good... This time let's go to Bruce Park."
I ask her "So what do you think happens when we die?" "Well I don't know, but I know it can't be nothing. The universe couldn't possibly show us it's love and simultaneously only let us have a little blip of a lifetime. I know it's forever. I hope maybe reincarnation, or maybe you just become one with the universe. What do you think?" "I don't know... I was already kind of doubting heaven and hell, but like you said... It's gotta be something, forever. It just always seemed like such an easy answer. What happens when you die? Well if you're good you go to the happiest place in the universe and if you're bad you go to the scariest place in the universe. It just never felt very well thought out to me. But I stifled myself and went along with the church." "Not to mention to get into the happy place you have to believe what we say and do what we say."
Persephone says "We look at the world around us we can see... God is not a force of pure good. God has evil in it as well. But God would never be so evil..." "God could never be so cruel as to doom you to... An eternity of the hell. As if there could ever exist a God so evil that you didn't drop to your knees and worship it so now your eternity is the highest of possible suffering." "God can be evil, but God is only love. Things are not as simple as Christianity would have us believe."
Persephone says "There could never possibly be a God that wishes for you an eternity of suffering. There could never exist a world so evil... So pure evil. There is nothing anybody could ever do to deserve hell. Nothing. And of course they all say the thing that will bring to you this suffering is that you did not worship this. Exact. Conception of him." "...It's a trap." "It's a trap. Mindfuckery. We paint him as this very jealous God, this twisted jealous God who if you slip into the wrong conception of him even a little he just goes ballistic on you. Just loses his shit and that's it for you, an eternity of hell. He takes his image very seriously and if you choose to interpret him just a little off... Divine wrath. A little Godly temper tantrum. And then he just tosses you into the pits of hell like the worthless pile of garbage you are for misinterpreting him ever so slightly."
"In the back of my mind... I didn't exactly realize but I was pathetically clinging to this 'God is a force of pure good' and part of me realized this is a thing that could never be... How could that ever be... So... So maybe there is no God. How could there ever be a God... Who is a force of pure good... But... But..." "It does. It really causes you to cling for dear life to your conception of God. And anything that challenges this just makes you fucking panic, doesn't it?" "Cling to this exact conception of God. If I allow anything to lead me away from this exact conception of God... And I lose grip on this thing I am clinging to... An eternity of hell."
"God is a force of evil, and all it wants for you is love and happiness." "Haha."
I say "For some reason that just felt so much deeper than it would have if we were sober." "Yeah, that's how it is."
Chapter Seventeen
Walking down Portage Ave back to her place, we were passed by a woman on a bike with her hair touching the ground. I say "...Did I just hallucinate that?" "If you did then I did too. I'm pretty sure it was real though. Something you should know, when you're on a psychedelic, the universe around you is on a psychedelic."
"Taking a psychedelic is looking into the eyes of God. When you're on shrooms you see it, when you're on acid it sees you. The universe will unfold for you. Do you ever take photos? Sometimes the universe opens up to you and you can get great shots, sometimes it doesn't and not so much. Being on a psychedelic, the universe will always open up to you. So bring a camera, because the universe is taking that acid with you."
Chapter Eighteen
Laying in bed beside Persephone, watching her sleep.
I'm thinking about how I still want a life to serve God, though now I have a new God.
Thinking about growing my hair out real long and wearing tie dye.
But most importantly I'm thinking about moving to a hippie commune, but only if I can take Persephone with me. Not seriously so much, but it would probably be nice.
Certainly not serious about the tie dye.
Chapter Nineteen
I tell her "I want you to meet my parents." "Really?" "I know they don't approve, but maybe they can learn to like you."
"Just, uhh... Dress modest."
We're at the front door, as we're walking up the sidewalk the door opens and it's my mother... "What do you think you're doing bringing this harlot back to our home!?" Persephone says "Excuse me!?" "What were you thinking!? The devil brought her here." I say "God brought her here."
My father comes to the door and says "This wench has no place at our table! What were you thinking bringing this devil woman to our wholesome household? What do you want your brother to think? You want to take the whole family down with you!?" My brother watches in horror from behind. Persephone says "I don't need this, I'm out. Fuck the both of you" as she raises her middle finger.
I run after her, but then I turn around and say "Here's where you throw me out! I'll be back for my things some other time."
Chapter Twenty
"I know it's so early in our relationship for me to ask you this, but can I move in with you?" She says "I mean I know I really like you, but honestly I think you're more into this relationship than I am. You can't be casual, your life lessons forbid it, every relationship you get into is the real deal."
I start to cry, "You're right you're right I'm so sorry." She says "That said, I do really like you, and really there is a chance we would move in eventually anyway. And given your situation I can't help bur feel I should be charitable... So... Okay. Let's give it a shot." "Really!? Oh thank you!"
Chapter Twenty One
I'm on the phone with my brother. Having the "I know you're not like them" conversation.
"I know you have a heathen in you too. Come hang out with us, she'll change your life. I've been hesitant to use the term but she really is a bit of a guru." "I don't know it doesn't feel right." "Well if you're going to side with our parents we may become estranged. But if you're ever feeling a little rebellious, I'm figuring in your university years, give me a call."
Chapter Twenty Two
"You ever think about living in a hippie commune?" "Kinda, it seems like an interesting idea." "I'd love to. We should. And you can bring your friend." "Well that's a lot to ask somebody but I can bring it up. You're really serious?" "I am. I think it would be amazing. And I could still serve God. I can be the psychedelic preacher of the commune." "Well you'll have to fight me for that job, but you should note there's gonna be people there way more psychedelic than you that could probably psychedelically preach at you."
"So we're doing it?" "Let's do it!"
"I've already done some research and found the perfect place." I read all about it while fantasizing about our future lives, living the way the Universe intended. "I think they'll accept us, we're too cool to be turned down."
Chapter Twenty Three
She wanted to go to class one last time but I was too excited so I skipped. I can't wait for her to get home.
And then she gets home. "I packed our bags. I found a place. Let's do this." "Now?" "Right fucking now!" "It's so soon but this is exciting."
"I just need to stop at my parent's place and get some stuff from my bedroom."
Chapter Twenty Four
We walk in the front door. Mother says "Oh. Get your stuff and get out."
I walk toward my bedroom and my father says "I hear you tried to turn your brother to Satan." "That's not how I intended it." "The lord will forgive me!" "The lord will forgive you what?" "The lord will forgive me for having to do such a terrible thing! The lord knows that I must!!" And he pulls out his pistol and says "The lord wishes hell for you. I am but his humble vessel. For you an eternity of hell." "A force of pure good..." "IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY!!!" He shoots me and Persephone dead.