A Dangerous Fantasy
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Warning: This one is really just full on shock assault. Whatever I can do to make you feel uncomfortable. I swear I won't do it again, I really only need to do this once. No I don't have as much anger as it would seem from reading this. I just felt I should do one full on shock fest.
Note: I mean I'm an M but I'm not much of an S. Okay, all these stories about killing, you're going to think I'm pro killing. I'm not. I would never kill anybody... Unless maybe they killed somebody I love and they look like they're going to get away with it. I'm a death enthusiast, but I'm actually very warm on the inside, I swear. I'm not dangerous I swear.
Note: Also I want to say that while all I feel in my soul is the M I think it's cool if you're a female who is also an M or a male who is also an S as long as you don't take it to misogynist power balance places. A long time ago somebody on the internet said "Men who enjoy being dominated by women are pathetic." Oh really. It's us who are pathetic. Don't be so fragile.
Chapter One
I've always been drawn to the strange, the dark, the macabre...
It's weird, even as a very young child I really really wanted to die. Not because I hated life, it just... It just felt really warm and fuzzy to think about myself dying.
When I was young I kind of crossed it with sexuality and it became a fetish. Eventually I couldn't get off to much else. Abuse, both physical and emotional; pain; eventually death. I wanted to see hurt. I wanted to hurt and I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to see death. I wanted to kill and I wanted to be killed.
So I chose a career in organized crime, where I could find all the death and abuse I would ever need.
Chapter Two
One day I met a newcomer assassin. She was perfect. Physically and emotionally. She was as sadistic as myself, if not more so. I thought it was meant to be. I have found my lover. Forever. The only problem is, I'm already married. I married my arm candy, even though sexually she didn't display any of the same quirks as myself. I played it safe with her, she knew I was in to bondage and a little S&M, but she didn't know the degree to which I liked it. And she didn't really seem to like it... Just did it to appease me. She liked my money and I liked her looks.
I'm dealing with our new assassin directly, now. I tell her to take somebody out. Just a rival soldier that's been trying to break into our racket. Nobody too important... Really just to prove she's reliable and up to the task.
Chapter Three
I'm sitting on a floaty chair in my pool... Calm water, green lining, tree canopy above me. I start to imagine what sex with Daniella would be like. I daydream of us giving eachother oral, her hand on my head when I do her. And obviously she's very satisfied, I mean it's my fantasy.
It's burning. It's burning. Fuck me. Kill me. Bring me to that feeling. Bring me to the centre of this feeling. I feel it spiraling. Inside of me and into somewhere else. Somewhere else where I've always been and always will be forever.
I come back inside, turn the stove on and burn my finger. That should be enough to hold me for awhile. The pain brings me closer to myself. If God exists, it brings me closer to God.
I think about... About God's miraculous creation. He created us to kill. It is our way of life. Always has been and always will be. I think about skeletons. I think about blood. I think about medieval torture chambers. It's beautiful... God's created us to be brutal.
Fuck. Kill. Fuck. Kill. This is forever. This is forever.
This is the feeling that gives life. This is the feeling that takes life. This is the cycle. This is everything. All things. All of us.
Kill. Me. Take my life. Give me the bliss of pain forever and create something new. So it can bliss pain itself eternity.
Chapter Four
Me and her do a line of coke together the next day. I tell her about all the people I wouldn't mind icin'. She tells me she'd be happy to take care of it... I'm thinking about it. I mean I really don't need these people dead, I just want them dead. But the thought of her taking them out... Well, I gave her the go ahead.
"Look, take me with you when you go to assassinate Mick. I need that fucker to know it was me. And I need to be standing there, smiling, when he goes to his grave." Fucking Mick... Fat, obnoxious son of a bitch. Tries way too hard to be intimidating. You just have to let the intimidation ooze from you naturally, not go off trying way too hard just to impress people.
After she leaves I start fantasizing again... This time there's handcuffs and whips and stuff. She's on top and I'm cuffed to the head board.
Dark stone dungeons, broken skeletons chained to the walls. Fire. This is man. This is God. Pain. Pain brings you to yourself. Pain brings you to God.
Chapter Five
We're in an abandoned warehouse with him tied to a chair. The perfect setting if I do say so myself. Like it's out of a movie.
"Mick, you're terrible. I have no reason to kill you other than I want to." I take out my knife and open up his torso. I remove his intestines, his lungs... Daniella seemed to enjoy it. "Alright, you put him out of his misery. "Why not you? You're almost there already." "Just... I... Just do it. I just want you to do it."
She says "I'm kind of enjoying watching you enjoy yourself." "I enjoy that you enjoy that. But I'd enjoy it more to watch you end him." "I would enjoy that too." "We're pretty cute together."
Chapter Six
"My hate... I still hate... It was supposed to go away. I wish I could do more." Daniella says "Well we've done all we can." "No... Not yet. Let's kill his fucking family." "...Okay."
We get to his door. His wife answers... "Come with me" I say. I drag her into the next room, throw her on the couch and rape her. The kids, frightened by her screaming, come downstairs to rescue their mother. I slit her throat deep in front of the kids. I shoot both the kids dead and continue fucking her dead body until I climax.
Okay that should do it.
Fields and fields of skeletons and fire. Daniella and me fucking in it.
Chapter Seven
I'm coming up with more and more unreasonable reasons to have people assassinated. I'm this close to having people killed for looking at me funny. But I'm the boss I'll do what I want. I may have started a war, it seems... But what's the worst that could happen? They kill me? Well maybe I want to die.
This time I put my hand right on the burner and held it there for a good two seconds. My hand is all fucked up and bandaged.
It's burning. It's burning. It's inside of me.
I started fantasizing about her slicing me with razor blades during sex.
Chapter Eight
A crew of rivals show up at my office. Luckily quite a lot of my crew is present.
Everybody who didn't die instantly gets to play with me. On one of them I did the tearing out intestines thing again. On another I stuck a knife right up his ass until it came out the other side. On another I cut his nose off, his ears, carved his eyes out and then jabbed the knife into his forehead. After I was done I scalped them all and spiced my wine with their blood.
Chapter Nine
It's time to get rid of my wife... If I divorce her she'll take everything. No. No there's only one way. I have to get her out of the picture. I'm going to hire Daniella.
Now I'm fantasizing about her cutting my dick off, putting it down my throat and choking me with it. When I snapped out of it I went to the kitchen and sliced my burnt hand up with a steak knife.
I will have her. Finally I will have her.
And I want to hate it. Make me not enjoy it. Make me suffer. Suffer to the point I no longer enjoy the suffering.
And then I will see it. And then I will find it. The centre.
And then I'm finished.
Trees and beautiful vegetation growing out of the remains of dead bodies.
Chapter Ten
I... I didn't cross the feelings. I knew the feelings. I crossed the feelings because it was what is inside me. I don't... I don't know what's wrong with me but my soul calls to sex death and has from the moment I was born. Even before I knew it was a sex feeling. Even before I knew what sex was. Am I weird? Or am I just the only one who noticed? Did I just naturally accidentally tap into something... That just... Took over me... Drove me into... Being the only one who isn't weird... The only one who really knows how to live.
I don't think my body was telling me this is how to escape life. I think my body was telling me this is how to live forever.
Sex is bliss. Sex is birth. Born to embrace all. All is bliss. All is pain. Pain is bliss. Bliss is pain is everything is all of us is life is pain bliss centre everything all of us everything pain bliss birth death creation destruction everything. Fuck. Kill. Bliss. Pain. Create. Destroy. Everything. All. Everything. All.
This is how we live. This is how we are.
This is our eternity.
Chapter Eleven
She asks me... "Your own wife? Why?" And I said "So we can be together."
A playful and charming "...Fine."
Bliss. I think I can safely say I did it the best. I did the best one. Together we did the best one. But tonight it's done. Complete. I wonder if I'll ever get to do it again.
"Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me." "Hm. Okay." She stops and gets up to get her gun. "No. Not the gun. The knife. Cut my throat." She gets on top and holds the knife to my throat. She gets closer and closer and deeper and deeper until we're both there. A little blood drips onto the sheets.
"You look a little disappointed. You really wanted me to do it?" "I don't know."
I don't know. But we're done tonight.
Chapter Twelve
My wife is dead. I'm sitting on the diving board of my pool staring off. It's empty. It's all empty. I don't know what I did.
I wanted life. And so... I destroyed life. I wanted to feel this forever and so I destroyed everything.
I'm done.
So I go to her.
I say "I'm going to the police."
And she shoots me in the head, cold silence, right then and there.